Katniss Everdeen's New Life
by StupidityKilledTheCat
Summary: Katniss starts a new life after the 74th Hunger Games. Katniss works at McDonalds. Peeta turns gay and Mrs.Everdeen joins a dating website. Gale and Prim find a weird obsession. Even WEIRDER things start to HAPPEN! Rated T for weird humor!
1. Katniss's New Life

_** Dear Diary,**_

_**My name is Katniss Everdeen.**_

_** My sister Prim made me buy this stupid book.**_

_**Today is going to be a weird day. I'm going back to jail (School)**_

_**and it's a complete hell! Wait a second. There's this slut named Clove**_

_**who tried to freakin KILL ME! MAN I WISH SHE KILLED ME OFF! I**_

_**HATE SCHOOL! I HATE MY LIFE! SHOOT ME NOW!**_

_** Loving as Always,**_

_** Katniss E.**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Prim's POV<strong>_

I surfed through the television as a commercial caught my eye. It was**_: Angry Nappers!_**

Angry Nappers were super soft pillows that transform from a house to a animal. A stuffed castle appears on the TV. All of a sudden, the castle turned into a unicorn! "OMG! I LOVE THAT UNICORN! I MUST HAVE IT!". The lady said to call the number **123- 456-7891**! If you call the number within an hour, you receive a free unicorn ANGRY NAPPER!

"Katniss! Katniss! GIMME YOUR PHONE AND LET ME CALL THE LADY!" I screamed. "Not now Prim! Peeta and I are discussing about marriage right now!". "Marriage is SHIT! GIVE ME THE FREAKIN PHONE NOW!". I grabbed the phone but surprisingly it was soft and squishy! "PRIM THAT'S NOT A PHONE! YOUR GRABBING MY BOOBS!"

"Oh!" I said. Suddenly, I squished her boob once again. ***QUACK!* **"Katniss I think you have a duck in your boob!".

"WHAT THE ****! Prim I don't think there's a duck in my boob! DAMN CAPITOL! I THINK OCTAVIA MESSED WITH MY BREASTS! GET OFF ME PRIM! I'M GOING TO CALL THE CAPITOL NOW!". "NOPE!, YOUR NOT GETTING THE PHONE THIS TIME!". I grabbed a rubber chicken and smacked Katniss in the face. "Fairies are WONDERFUL!" Katniss said before

passing out. I grabbed the phone from Katniss's hand. Surprisingly, this phone wasn't hers! It was Finnick Odair's! Do you want to why I know it's his? He texted me saying: **_Katniss, please give me my phone back!_ **I texted him saying, _**"What's cookin good lookin?".** _He never replied. All of a sudden, the song rang throughout my whole entire mind.

_**We are ANGRY! ANGRY NAPPERS AND WE WOULD **_

**_LIKE TO KILL YOU! IF YOU BUY ONE OR TWO!_**

I started laughing as I went on the computer. I went on YouTube and played the Angry Napper song. Surprisingly it was 500,000,000 MILLION VIEWS! After going on Youtube, I joined the AngryNapper Fan Club! ***_The doorbell rings*_**OMG! MY ANGRY NAPPER IS HERE! I went to the doorbell as fast as I can. I opened the door and there was the mailman. I immediately ripped open the box. Inside was the UNICORN! I started squealing with joy!


	2. New Job, Old Man, and Dresses!

_**Katniss Everdeen's POV**_

It was 6:00 in the morning and my train had finally arrived at the Capitol. I headed to my new job which was McDonald's. Blech! Their food stinks and I'm not even sure if their beef patties are beef at all!

The smell of fart fills the air and I wrinkle my nose in disgust. This is just like Prim's room! How messy it is. Anyways, I'm to suppose to work as the cashier. I walked towards the cash register. I whip out a key and insert it in.

To my horror, all of the money is covered in grease and sweat! "Ya, get used to it sweetheart!" says a grizzly voice. I quickly turn around to see Haymitch. I flinch at the sight of him. His red shirt stained with sweat and his was ripped

apart. He also stinks of fart and sweat. "Oh my GOSH!, what the hell are you doing here Haymitch!". He doesn't respond as he walks towards the break room. I sigh. _Someone shoot me now! _I thought. I quickly turn around to

meet the famous puking-green eyes of Finnick Odair. "Finnick YOU TOO!, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING IN A FAST FOOD RESTAURAUNT?". "Annie dumped me for eating a cheeseburger from here! She kept on complaining on how

burgers aren't HEALTHY for ME!". _Well this sounds interesting... _I thought in my mind. So Finnick and I decide to talk about love lives and how burgers are good for people. While talking, Finnick orders 20 cheeseburgers from another

worker.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Mrs. Everdeen's POV<strong>_

I was surfing through the internet when a website had caught my eye. It was called **_" .com"._**Apparently it was a dating website and I didn't know it. I created an account

and started talking to this 69 year old guy. I thought he was very handsome just like Finnick Odair! Guess what? His name is _LIME_!

**_Lime Cosmo: _**_Hello there sexy lady... **;)**  
><em>

**_Mrs. Everdeen: _**_Hello there! _My name is Mrs. Everdeen and I hate babies! **:D**

_**Lime Cosmo:** __Can we kiss? _

**Mrs Everdeen: **_Sure why not!, but how do you do that?_

_**Lime Cosmo:** __I will gladly teach you that, just put on video camera **;)**_

_**(Mrs. Everdeen clicks the video camera button at the top of the chat box.)**_

_**(An old sagging face appears on the camera. He has pale wrinkled skin and has a white mustache. He is also bald. He wears a white soiled tank top which shows his hairy armpits.)**_

_**Mrs Everdeen: **WOW!, YOU LOOK SEXY!_

_**Lime Cosmo: **This is how you kiss!_

_**(Lime starts licking the screen and hugging it. Mrs. Everdeen starts doing the same thing.)**_

* * *

><p><em><em>** Peeta's POV**

I was watching _**Panem's Next Top 10 Models**_ on TV. A beautiful woman saunters down the catwalk while wearing a tight blue mini-dress. She was busy flinging and swishing her arms around while giving out flying

kisses. I was so inspired by the woman! So I hurry to my mom's room and pick out an elegant flowing red dress. Too bad it showed so much cleavage! All of a sudden!, I came up with a brilliant idea! I ran towards the kitchen

and I add a bunch of oranges to my bra! I pulled the bra and dress up, revealing my big boobs! I started prancing, swishing, and flinging my around. I pulled my dress a little bit down so I can off show my bingo wings!

"Spread your bingo wings and fly!" I announced to District 12. So many people started shutting their doors and I think they were jealous. I also bumped into Gale and Delly. They ran away from me! Oh well! They were jealous

of me anyway. Good friends would admire and congratulate you anyway. Oh wait! I decided to show off my new dress to Katniss, Prim, and Finnick! They would definitely love it!

* * *

><p><em><strong>Well what do you think guys! Sry if I haven't updated in a while. BTW PLZ START REVIEWING OR ELSE PEETA WILL COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE! Sorry for the threat too. Plz press the review button, It won't chop your finger off.<strong>_


	3. Flying Arrows!

**Prim's POV**

I stared at my Angry Napper. It was very cute and cuddly. For some reason I wasn't satisfied with it. I felt like he needed a new friend. To my surprise, the Angry Napper commercial appears on TV again. I decided to buy a new one. I sprinted towards my mother's room. But I started to slow down on my tracks. My mother was licking a complete black computer screen. She had been licking that computer screen for five hours! A

huge puddle of saliva covers the hard-wood floors. I flinch at the side of it. "Mom why are you licking the computer?". "Because i'm kissing somebody..." my mother says simply. "But no one is on the screen" I pointed out. Poor mother. She has no friends at all. My mom stares at the blank screen in disbelief. "Oh my GOSH! HOW COME LIME ISN'T ON!" my mom screams. I decided to leave my mom alone. She really needs a new

friend. Maybe I will buy her one! I skip towards my mom's room. I grabbed her wallet from the night stand. Then I head towards Katniss's laptop. I went on _**.com** _The promise I made to buy only one Angry Napper was broken. I bought fifty of the Angry Nappers! I can't even name one of the animals! I blew off $150.00! They were so cute! If you steal one of them... I WILL KILL YOU!

* * *

><p><strong><em>Katniss's POV<em>**

Finnick Odair visits me five times a day! He always orders fifty cheeseburgers and milkshakes! I've noticed he gained weight ever since I started working here. "Hey Fin! Mind if I touch feel your muscles and abs?". "I've always knew this day would come..." Finnick says in a seductive voice. He lifts his shirt up. My fingers try to trace his abs but I don't feel anything. I found myself grabbing his belly. My hands grabs a handful of

fat. Just to make sure he wasn't fat, I hold his muscles. Instead I grab a huge amount of flab. I immediately let go. "Finnick your gaining weight! You need to stop eating McDonalds!" I say in a worried tone. "NEVER KATNISS! MCDONALD'S IS MY LIFE!" Finnick hisses. Haymitch comes in carrying a tray of fifty burgers and milkshakes. "HAYMITCH NO!" I scream. Too late. Finnick takes a fist full of burgers and raises it above his

mouth! "Finnick don't you dare eat that disgusting stuff! I COULD HURT YOU!". Finnick doesn't listen. He shoves a fistful down his throat. I made a wild tackle towards him but he impales me with his trident. I drop to the ground. Finnick runs away with the rest of the burgers as if he stole them. I stood up. Fortunately, the wound wasn't deep enough to kill me. I decided to go home. I escape McDonalds and head towards the

capitol train.

* * *

><p><strong>Peeta's POV<strong>

I decided to make a fool out of Gale. Yesterday he ran away from me along with Delly! Friends are supposed to love and support you right? I placed a brown braided wig on top of my head. I placed on a tight red mini-dress. I was going to make myself look like Katniss. Then I would slap him SILLY! Good idea right? I sauntered towards the meadow. luckily, I found the real Katniss's bow and arrows! After waiting

many countless hours, Gale finally shows up. He was wearing a tight sleeve less shirt. The shirt exposes his ripped muscles. For some reasom I started to drool all over him. I am definitely not gay! "Hey Catnip!" Gale says in a seductive voice. "Hey sexy!" I say in a girl-like tone. To my horror, Gale proposes to me! He kneels down on one leg and pulls out a small wooden box. Inside the box was a beautiful ring.

"The ring was made from District 2..." he says in a solemn voice. To my second horror, GALE PRESSES HIS LIPS AGAINST MINE! But for some reason I liked it. We've been kissing for 3 minutes until Katniss showed up. "Hey Gale! I bought some sug..." Katniss never finishes her sentence. She grabs her bow and shoots me in the breasts two times! Two loud satisfying SPLATS! were heard. I drop to the ground.

I wasn't dead because my breasts were oranges. God thank you for placing fake boobs on me! Katniss scolds at him for kissing another girl. "Catnip I thought it was you!. PLEASE forgive me!". "Oh don't you dare Catnip me! Wait a second... You thought that thing was me!" Katniss scolds. Her middle finger points towards me. I start groaning in pain. Katniss realizes it was me. "FUCK YOU PEETA!" she yells. She finally runs

away. Gale scowls at me then he runs away. "Aww. I'm all alone! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!" I yell back.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I hoped you guys like this! I had to rush since I'm in a party right now! I know it isn't that funny but I promise you it will in the future. Please review! I will be the happiest CHUMPION in the WORLD!<strong>_


	4. The Chinese Restaurant

_**Katniss's POV**_

Ever since Finnick started coming to McDonalds, I have been raising a lot of money! I have raised $600! I decided to treat my friends and family to a special dinner in the Capitol! I gathered my things and headed out of the building.

_** 30 Minutes Later. . . .**_

"Hey people! I'm home!" I announced. Nobody pays attention to me. "I'm going to treat all of you guys to a special dinner!". Prim's, Finnick's, Delly's, Peeta's, Gale's, and my mom's head snap towards me. All of them were surprised

to find out I was treating them. Their eyes widen. "You are really going to treat us, Katniss!" Prim shrieks. "Oh shut up!". I grab a fly swatter and smack Prim across the face. She falls to the ground unconcious. "Now everybody get into the car now!" I command. Everybody quickly hops into my car and I drive at full speed.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Delly's POV<em>**

We arrive in front of a restaurant called "Sun-Bee Palace". We entered the restaurant. Lights start flashing everywhere and paper lanterns float above us. All of the walls were red. Even a giant pond appears in front of us! "Hella! Ma

name is Rosalie!" the waitress says. I quickly turn around. A gorgeous woman stands in front of me. I was quite jealous because Finnick was staring at her. The waitress leads us to a huge leather booth.

"Wat would ya like ta drink?" Rosalie asks. All of my friends including me order a cup of water. Rosalie hands us a couple of menus and she scurries back into the kitchen. We start hearing Rosalie screaming. "NAA! YA DUMBASS! I CAN'T BELIEVE

YA BURNED DA DUCK! YA FIRED!" Rosalie screams. The cook starts sobbing on Rosalie's chest screaming NAAAA!. The door finally slams shut blocking out their conversation. I stared at my menu. I don't know what to order.

Finally, the waitress comes to take our order. Rosalie asks me first. "Wat da you wanna ta orda?". "Anything without cinnamon, sugar, salt, soy sauce, peppers, ginger, and MEAT!" I say proudly. "Then why you come here!"

Rosalie shrieks. "COOKIE! COME OVA HERE!". A huge fat man comes into view. It was the cook. "Give ha a punishment!" Rosalie instructs. Cookie grabs me by the waist and throws me into the fish pond.

_SPLISH! SPLASH!_

* * *

><p><em><strong>HIYA GUYS! I have finally updated! I hope this chapter isn't racist though. I don't mean to offend anyone.<strong>_

___**This idea has been stuck in my mind for the past weeks I haven't updated. Well goodbye now!**_


	5. Learning With Dora!

_**Katniss**_ _**E**__**verdeen's POV**_

"Yo ho ho! Avast yee matie!" Prim says out loud. I immediately turn of the TV. I turn my attention to Prim. "DID YOU JUST CALL ME A HOE, PRIM!" I say angrily. She doesn't reply. "Oh you don't want me to show off my bad side! Do you!" "I thought I was looking at it already!" Prim retorts. Before I could send an arrow through her heart, Prim sends a knife through my flabby belly. I drop to the ground unconscious. Prim skips over my body and turns on the TV. She changes the channel to

"**Learning With Dora The Explorer**". "Hi kids!" Dora says through the television screen. "Hi DORA!" Prim shrieks. "Today we are going to learn about body parts! We are going to start with our hands! That is the easiest part to learn!". Dora raises her left hand towards the screen. The Football head girl points to each of her fingers."This is my pinky! This is my ring finger! This is my middle finger! This is my pointer finger and this is my thumb! Let me show you the fingers AGAIN!" Dora shrieks.

"Say it with me!". Dora raises each finger on her left hand while explaining them. Gale saw this and immediately sends an arrow through Dora's head. The whole entire TV explodes. "GAIL! HOW DARE YOU KILL MY TV! IT IS MY LIFELINE!" Prim wails. Gale was so tired of this so he killed off Prim. She drops to the ground dead. Gale laughs like a girl and pulls out a small portable TV. He watches the show called "_**Charmed**_". He giggles as Prue licks Leo's stomach. All of a sudden, Prue snaps her head towards Gale.

"FUCK YOU GAIL!" she yells. She waves her hand around which sends Gale towards the wall. He screams like a girl and he passes out.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sorry if this chapter was super short! I really had to post this or else my idea would have disappeared. Please review people! Btw, can you submit a tribute on my story called "Scream and Die". Thanks!<strong>_


End file.
